Mrs Boo - 30 Lifer Crisis

An uncle, my dad’s 3rd brother, passed away quite suddenly a few days ago. He woke up in the middle of the night to visit the toilet, fell, and died instantly. He was 74.

My dad comes from a family of 12 (yes, my grandparents’ generation was damn fertile. My mother has 9 other siblings!), and he is number 8. Because the family is so extensive, I hardly get to meet up with them. It is highly possible that I can pass them by on the streets, and I won’t even know that we are related. In any case, the only time we get to meet up with the family are on 3 key occasions: Chinese new years, weddings, and of course funerals.

So when I attended the wake (Chinese religious funerals take 5 days) with Mr Boo and the parents, I met up with all my uncles and aunties (included the dead embalmed one lying inside the coffin). The last time I met them was at my wedding more than 5 years ago. Time has not been very kind though - most of them seem to have aged tremendously. Then again, my remaining uncles and aunties (Number 1, 2 and 3 died - in that order too!!) are now in their 70s and 60s, with the youngest aunt (Number 12) at 58.

Since Mr Boo and I were like about the youngest people at the wake (what a rarity), after the cursory greetings (”Wah, you have grown so fat!” to “When are you having children?”), we sat down meekly and listened to the conversations flying around us. It was quite an eye-opener for me.

Funerals are supposed to be sad right? After all, someone close just passed away. But other than my mother shedding a few tears as she beheld my 3rd uncle’s embalmed body, everyone just looked solemnly at him (including my dad who seemed to be looking at a fish or something), paid their respects (i.e. burning joss sticks and all), and quickly sat down at tables to catch up and gossip about the latest developments in their lives (who else died, who was born, who got married, divorced, retrenched, etc.).

Most shocking was the amount of morbid jokes that were flying around. The Chinese are very superstitious in nature, and any remark that is deemed “unlucky” or “bad” would be clamped down. So the cracking of such jokes seemed unnatural to me.

Example 1: The fact that my uncles are dying in order (by seniority) did not escape the siblings. 12th auntie wondered loudly if Number 4, another uncle, was next in line (he hadn’t arrived at the wake yet). It was like they were all queuing to die, just as they queued up to be born. But of course, being the youngest, she would be last to go. The remark caused everyone to cackle loudly, and when Number 4 arrived, another auntie called out, “4th brother!” emphasising “4th” maniacally (on NORMAL occasions they address each other by names) and everyone else cracked up again. Poor Number 4 was still in the dark, although that may not be a bad thing.

Example 2: 3rd uncle’s wife and his three children are all Christians. However, he apparently refused to be converted because he retorted as a Christian, he would have no food to eat “down there” (i.e. hell). By sticking to Chinese religions (whether Taoist or Buddhist or plain old ancestor worship) it would ensure that his descendents would have to burn offerings for him during the funeral, including paper mansions, gold and silver mountains, cars, and servants!! So his poor wife had to engage the casket company to make the necessary arrangements for Chinese rites because she knew nuts about it. When an auntie told her, “By burning so much (paper) money for him (my uncle), he would definitely go and look for mistresses down there”, the wife retorted, “He better enjoy it while it lasts because he won’t be able to do so when I join him!”

Example 3:

6th Auntie: How much does the wake cost?

3rd uncle’s son: We took a package from the casket company. Cost us $1,800. They have other packages ranging from $800 to $10,000 and above.

My dad: $1,800!!! So expensive!! Everything is so expensive! Even dying is expensive!

Me: But the dead don’t need to pay what…..

3rd uncle’s wife (telling her son): Don’t bother wasting money on me. $800 package is enough. Just cremete me and scatter my ashes to the sea.

6th Auntie: The sea?!!?

3rd uncle’s wife (giggling): Very cooling, you see. I’m afraid of heat!

6th Auntie: Crazy! You will get eaten by the fishes! (Everyone cackles.)

How very morbid. I wonder: Is this the way the old confront the Grim Reaper as they see him taking away relatives and friends one by one? Grinning and bearing it, and meeting him face to face.

At this point I don’t think I can do it. I used to be very frightened of death. And when my old hamster died I cried the whole night (when my dog died I cried A WEEK). Now that I am much more closer to God, the fear has receded somewhat, but still I haven’t reached the stage to equating dying with “falling asleep” and knowing for sure that all things will be all right and wonderful in the after life.

Maybe when I am 60 I will see things differently?!?

Just got an SMS from a close friend. She is pregnant again. Had a boy some two years ago, quit her job as a teacher to become a full time mom, and now she is expecting number two.

And here I am waiting for my stupid period to flow big time. I have been spotting the last three days, and thought today I saw more mense - but alas, the stomach remains bloated i.e. tide remains unreleased. Major PMS….

2 years ago, such a situation would have resulted in a major meltdown from me. Every month, every cycle, that rush of expectation that Yes, this would be it, and the realisation that No, there would not be the pattering of little feet as the red tide gushes and mocks at me. I think I would have fallen apart if not for Mr Boo, the wonderful pillar of support, strength and understanding, and God, whom I know has been with me every step along this difficult journey.

Who knew that trying to conceive would be so damn difficult? Not me, particularly since my cycles were so right on the dot. To think that in the first two years of our marriage we were still using condoms - on hindsight that was SUCH a waste of money!

Backtrack a little bit for those not in the know: Medically speaking, both Mr Boo and I are in the sub-fertile group. I supposedly have blocked tubes - both of them, and Mr Boo has more “abnormal-shaped” sperm than most men. I have undergone one cycle of IVF, resulting in 2 attempts in late 2003 and early 2004, both of which failed. Thereafter I have gone to Traditional Chinese Medicine therapies for a few months, and then nothing.

Those were hellish times. Physically, it was tiring, and painful at times. Mentally, it was a torture. What was worse were people getting pregnant around me left, right and center - my sister in law, my close friends, my colleagues. I thought I would die. I wailed, I cursed, I screamed. I hated pregnant women with a fervour they didn’t know. If thoughts could kill, I would have killed. Outwardly I tried to show that I didn’t care, and succeeded most times. Children are brats anyway, I don’t need them, who cares?

I cared, and still care - deeply. I would give up all my money, my career, my business just to hold my child in my arms. But I am no longer tormented. But I won’t lie that each month as my period comes, I still feel a painful twinge in my heart, but it is just that, a twinge. And when I hear someone around me becoming pregnant, like today, something gets stuck in the throat, but it is cleared away soon.

The reason? God, and God alone. At the lowest, darkest point in my life, I went back to church (together with Mr Boo who got converted then), and felt His immense love surrounding me. I held on to his promises “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine, and your children will be like olive plants, all around the table.” Since then I have felt peace, and everytime sorrow threatens to overwhelm me, God holds it at bay, and the tears never fell again.

I believe myself and Mr Boo to be completely healed, and that the child we both longed for would come, without any medical intervention. In fact, I have a vision of this child which I hold strongly to my heart. In the meantime, I will be like Hannah in the Bible - “Sing you oh barren, you who do not bear!” until my baby comes….

For now, I have happily congratulated my friend, and I will continue to have wild sex until I can’t anymore! Praise be to God!