Pregnancy & Me
Just got an SMS from a close friend. She is pregnant again. Had a boy some two years ago, quit her job as a teacher to become a full time mom, and now she is expecting number two.
And here I am waiting for my stupid period to flow big time. I have been spotting the last three days, and thought today I saw more mense - but alas, the stomach remains bloated i.e. tide remains unreleased. Major PMS…. 
2 years ago, such a situation would have resulted in a major meltdown from me. Every month, every cycle, that rush of expectation that Yes, this would be it, and the realisation that No, there would not be the pattering of little feet as the red tide gushes and mocks at me. I think I would have fallen apart if not for Mr Boo, the wonderful pillar of support, strength and understanding, and God, whom I know has been with me every step along this difficult journey.
Who knew that trying to conceive would be so damn difficult? Not me, particularly since my cycles were so right on the dot. To think that in the first two years of our marriage we were still using condoms - on hindsight that was SUCH a waste of money!
Backtrack a little bit for those not in the know: Medically speaking, both Mr Boo and I are in the sub-fertile group. I supposedly have blocked tubes - both of them, and Mr Boo has more “abnormal-shaped” sperm than most men. I have undergone one cycle of IVF, resulting in 2 attempts in late 2003 and early 2004, both of which failed. Thereafter I have gone to Traditional Chinese Medicine therapies for a few months, and then nothing.
Those were hellish times. Physically, it was tiring, and painful at times. Mentally, it was a torture. What was worse were people getting pregnant around me left, right and center - my sister in law, my close friends, my colleagues. I thought I would die. I wailed, I cursed, I screamed. I hated pregnant women with a fervour they didn’t know. If thoughts could kill, I would have killed. Outwardly I tried to show that I didn’t care, and succeeded most times. Children are brats anyway, I don’t need them, who cares?
I cared, and still care - deeply. I would give up all my money, my career, my business just to hold my child in my arms. But I am no longer tormented. But I won’t lie that each month as my period comes, I still feel a painful twinge in my heart, but it is just that, a twinge. And when I hear someone around me becoming pregnant, like today, something gets stuck in the throat, but it is cleared away soon.
The reason? God, and God alone. At the lowest, darkest point in my life, I went back to church (together with Mr Boo who got converted then), and felt His immense love surrounding me. I held on to his promises “Your wife will be like a fruitful vine, and your children will be like olive plants, all around the table.” Since then I have felt peace, and everytime sorrow threatens to overwhelm me, God holds it at bay, and the tears never fell again.
I believe myself and Mr Boo to be completely healed, and that the child we both longed for would come, without any medical intervention. In fact, I have a vision of this child which I hold strongly to my heart. In the meantime, I will be like Hannah in the Bible - “Sing you oh barren, you who do not bear!” until my baby comes….
For now, I have happily congratulated my friend, and I will continue to have wild sex until I can’t anymore! Praise be to God!
